Delravian Ravings

HERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW

Scientists at Dartmouth have conclusively established that there is a genetic link between the Scots and the Native Americans.  Apparently Hawkeye's last name was Thenoo.  April 25, 2009.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH SPEEDBOAT?

I find myself irritated by the expression "go-fast boat" which is used for the high-speed craft employed by drug smugglers.  (I know, I know, I get irritated easily.)  Who coined this term and why?  It's ugly.  If a boat is fast, call it a fast boat.  Why does it have to be a go-fast boat?  What else would it do fast but go?  In any case, the term speedboat has been around for ages and conveys the same meaning.  Even cigarette boat would be better and it has the added relevance of having been coined to describe the boats used by cigarette smugglers, just as the boats used to smuggle booze were called rum runners.  April 8, 2009.

SIMPLE PLEASURES

If you didn't work out some time ago that my views, tastes, opinions, etc., are all somewhat non-standard, you haven't been paying attention.  Now let me confirm your misgivings by recording my gratitude to that great Chicago institution, WGN.  In the horrifying wasteland that is television, I find only two channels worth watching: Turner Classic Movies and WGN.  Only on WGN can you see "Becker": I really relate to John Becker.  And WGN also gives us re-runs of "ALF" and "Newhart".  Why do they no longer make shows like these?  And please don't direct me to BBC America: the only thing worth watching there is "Top Gear".  March 30, 2009.

WHO NEEDS 'EM?

One of the items on the agenda for the G20 meeting this week is the need for regulation of rating agencies.  Seeing as how neither Standard & Poor's nor Moody's has managed to even come close to doing its job in the past year or so, and given that there is no legal requirement for anyone to use their services, why don't we all just opt out and let them sink?  Do your own due diligence, I say: you obviously cannot trust these incompetent outfits.  March 16, 2009.

NOW HERE'S AN IDEA

The former Chairman of the Battery Park City Authority, Charles Urstadt, has an excellent piece in the NYT today about urban development.  Read it here.  Now think about how these concepts could be applied in your neighborhood.  March 14, 2009.

ENOUGH WITH THE SOB STORIES

I've really heard enough about all these poor people who lost millions with Madoff.  Give us a break, please.  How stupid can you possibly be (a) to have believed his pitch and (b) to have put so many of your eggs in his basket?  March 14, 2009.

WHO NEEDS TWITTER?

What possible value does Twitter add to our lives?  Good grief, Facebook and its clones are bad enough, but at least they provide an activity for desperately lonely people who cannot otherwise amuse themselves.  This Twitter monster is not only completely redundant but adds a new layer of bad manners to daily life.   I was beginning to think that I was the only person left in the universe who considers it to be bad manners for someone to break off a conversation to answer a cell phone, but now we have people "twittering" while other people are talking to them.  Grrr.  Why can't the so-called high-tech people put their talents to work on something productive, such as (a) giving each of us a single phone number that works worldwide; (b) developing a cell phone that both works and gets service worldwide; and (c) developing filters for spam, viruses and other computer intruders that actually work?  We know they can do it, because they occasionally come up with things that are brilliant, such as the Kindle and the I-phone.  March 5, 2009.

IGNORE HIM

I don't know why Democrats and rational Republicans keep rising to Rush Limbaugh's bait.  Surely, the best tactic is to ignore him.  Come on, Robert Gibbs, try saying "Rush who?"  See, that wasn't too hard, was it?  March 4, 2009.

THE SECRET OF BELLY-BUTTON FLUFF

I am sure that we are all grateful to Britain's "Daily Telegraph" for reporting the results of this highly significant Austrian research.  Read it here.  February 28, 2009.

WHO'S ALLEN STANFORD?

The Texas banking billionaire who's accused of what has been described as "massive fraud", and is currently missing, is a much bigger deal outside the U.S. than he is here.  The story is all over the front pages of the British papers.  This is because outside the U.S. he's not known as a banker but as a "cricket tycoon" - not a phrase you hear very often - and is referred to as Sir Allen Stanford rather than plain Mister.  (Cricket, you know, is the second most popular sport in the world, with almost as many fans as soccer.  See the things you learn on this web site?)  February 19, 2009.

WILL IT BE VULTURES NEXT?

Usually, the only big birds we see around here are pelicans and the occasional feral parrot, but this weekend there was a squadron of hawks swooping and hovering over the neighborhood.  What suddenly made the beach area attractive to them?  Is it a sign of a deepening recession?  Not enough food being thrown out in all those gated retirement ghettos inland?  Are our dogs looking undernourished?  Do desperate Madoff victims seem like targets of opportunity?  Is this the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it?  February 9, 2009.

NEAR MISS?

A fishing vessel and a cargo ship come dangerously close to each other outside Los Angeles harbor and the press describes the incident as a "near miss".  Say what?  Did they make contact?  No.  So would that not be a "near hit" rather than a "near miss"?  February 6, 2009.

IT'S ALL IN THE PERSPECTIVE

"Exxon Profit Down 33% as Prices Fall" - NY Times

"Exxon Shatters Record with $45.2 Billion Profit" - Wash. Post

January 30, 2009

ROLL BACK THE CHEESE TAX

Departing administrations do all kinds of odd things on the way out.  The Bush boys have tripled the duty on Roquefort cheese.  We'll teach those beastly frogs a lesson, right?  Actually this is just one item on a humongous list of European products that the Bushies want to discourage us from buying, in response to the EU's ban on hormonal beef from the U.S.  See the full list here.  Read the Washington Post's story here.  January 29, 2009.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR

If you're up to it after last night's merriment, don't forget that today is New Year's Day throughout Asia.  January 26, 2009.

HAPPY 250th BIRTHDAY, RABBIE

It's Robert Burns' 250th birthday.  A quarter of a millennium!  Read his incomparable works and other good stuff here and sometime this evening raise a glass to his immortal memory.  January 25, 2009.

HANGING TOO GOOD FOR THEM?

It's interesting to read this morning that the two principal culprits in the tainted milk scandal in China have been sentenced to death.  I'm not a great fan of capital punishment, but that is not so much for any moralistic reason as because of the risk of a mistake and because it's so inconsistently applied.  But maybe we should institute it for destroying people's lives, which could be construed as a form of murder, and apply it to some bankers.  Take them out into center field at Yankee Stadium and pop them one in the back of the head, in front of a packed crowd of their victims.  "Il est bon de tuer de temps en temps un amiral pour encourager les autres", as Voltaire wrote of the Royal Navy's execution of Admiral Byng.  January 23, 2009.

ECONOMIC STIMULI

Read the text of the House Appropriations Committee's "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009" bill here.  The mark-up is tomorrow, with hearings on Thursday.  January 20, 2009.

REBUILDING THE INFRASTRUCTURE

Read the text of the House Transportation and Infrastructure Committee's plan here.  This was created in the "lame duck" Congress but presumably contains much that will come up for discussion in the next few days.  January 20, 2009.

COAL IS GOOD

This morning's NYT had a headline "For Stores, A Lump of Coal", above an article about poor retail sales.  This miraculously changed in later editions, so maybe someone more influential than me pointed out to them that a lump of coal is positive, not negative, symbolizing warmth and energy.  In Scotland, the two symbolic gifts that the first-footer is supposed to bring are a lump of coal and a loaf of bread.  But I've seen this negative reference to coal often enough to wonder why some people use it that way.  Let's come up with a more appropriate negative symbol, keeping it clean, of course.  A lump of rock, for example, or a dead iguana.  January 9, 2009.

RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS MUMBAI NONSENSE

Almost nobody in India refers to Bombay as Mumbai, or Calcutta as Kolkata, or Madras as Chennai.  And the train station in Bombay, officially referred to as Chhatrapati Shrivaji Terminus, possibly the most beautiful train station in the world, is still known to virtually everyone in the region as VT, short for Victoria Terminal.  So, if the locals don't use the official names, why should we?  Nobody expects us to refer to European cities as Roma or Firenze or Beograd or Moskva or dozens more, names which the locals do actually use.  Bah, humbug, my New Year's Resolution is to stay grumpy all year long.  January 2, 2009.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !

Oh, pshaw, it's not gong to be that bad.  I say that the economy will start to recover in the third quarter.  But what do I know? January 1, 2009.

BRING BACK THE DRAFT

It's time and it could be a big boost to the economy, in several ways.  We need a larger Army and we don't need to have half the National Guard and Reserve overseas all the time.  Two years of compulsory national service would take about eight million young Americans out of the private-sector workforce.  We could channel half of them into the Army and half into civilian activities - a sort of domestic Peace Corps, providing teachers, infrastructure workers, etc.  And no exemptions or deferments, especially not for rich kids.  C'mon, let's do it.  December 28, 2008.

MERRY SOLSTICE!

This morning, the sun rose earlier than it did yesterday.  This must mean something.  I dunno what, but let's celebrate!  December 22, 2008.

YOUR LOCAL POWER COMPANY AT WORK

Check this out.  This came from the EIA: if you can't read it, go to the source, here.  The left hand side shows all the inputs to the electric power generation industry in this country, while the right hand side shows where all that power goes.  That big arrow on the right is labeled "Conversion Losses".  Two thirds of the power consumed in generating electricity is wasted.  That's just physics, not incompetence, but it highlights the importance of conserving energy.  December 18/19, 2008.

OFFICIAL SUNRISE

Every morning, the perky guy at my local NPR station tells me that "Official sunrise today is at 7.02 a.m.", or whatever.  And every morning, I growl at the radio, "What's official about it?"  Somehow I doubt that even the current Administration, which so loves to assume unlegislated and unconstitutional powers, has presumed to take control of the movement of the solar system.  Is there a Department of Heavenly Motions somewhere in the Pentagon?  Or maybe it's an activity of the Office of Faith-Based Initiatives.  December 16, 2008.

STOP THE FART TAX

I am indebted to fellow maritime news provider Dennis Bryant - visit his column, the Maritime Spotlight, here - for drawing our attention to Senate bill 3729, the Livestock Emissions Tax Ban Act, which was introduced on Wednesday by Senator Dorgan of North Dakota, who is obviously not adequately challenged by the need to do mundane things like passing appropriations bills or bailing out bankers.  S. 3729 would amend the Clean Air Act to prohibit the imposition of a fee or tax for direct gaseous emissions by livestock.  Quite right, too.  We can't have the mental health of our livestock imperiled by a legislated need to hold it in.  December 15, 2008.

THE COLTON TAX PLAN

So let's solve our problems on the back of those who can best afford it, by whom I mean the stinking rich, including all those scumbags on Wall Street who've been roping in million-dollar bonuses for the past decade or so.  Here's the four-point Colton plan for economic revival - the figures shown are just suggestions:

(1) Institute a new income tax bracket - something like 95% of AGI over $2 million;

(2) Institute a real death tax - something like 80% of net worth over $2 million;

(3) Institute a gift tax -  something like 80% of the fair market value of any gifts in any one year to a relative (including any surrogate for a relative) in excess of $200,000;

(4) Institute a new tax deduction - something like 30% of any gift of over $2 million to a charity or worthy cause that's on a list maintained by the IRS, where "charity or worthy cause" means an organization that actually works to solve major problems, involving health, education, poverty, veterans' care and suchlike, not just your local church.  This could even be expanded to cover infrastructure projects: pay the cost of a new bridge and get both the tax deduction and your name on the bridge.

The predictable furor at such a plan is, of course, based on peoples' curious desire to featherbed their children.   If your children want to take over the family business, let them buy it from you.  December 14, 2008.

BUSH MOVES TO DALLAS

So what's wrong with Crawford?  The President who spent more time back at the ranch than he did in Washington, has apparently discovered the joys of city living and has bought a McMansion in Dallas.  What for?  What's he going to do in Dallas?  Not much brush to clear there.  Or was the ranch thing all just PR?  What a fraud!  December 14, 2008.

SCREW HEREDITARY ANYTHING

I am thunderstruck by the arrogance of the Kennedy clan that they think that one of their number should be appointed to the vacant Senate seat in New York.  I don't know why I'm thunderstruck: their behavior is, after all, standard for the Kennedys, but I am.  What is it with the predilection of so many Americans for the hereditary principle, in which people take over major positions of responsibility on the basis of their family background rather than their qualifications and experience?  It's the same with this thing about inheritance taxes.  I'm with Buffett and Gates.  If you do well and make a fortune, even a modest fortune, do something useful with the money, don't give it to your kids.  The only things you owe your kids are a good education and a decent upbringing.  If they are any good, they will then succeed on their own.  Have you forgotten that one of the principal reasons people come to this country is because it is still the place where merit and hard work can bring success and prosperity?  What kind of message does it send to perpetuate the hereditary principle, which has been so clearly discredited elsewhere.  A word that's been over-used lately is "un-American", but I think it's positively un-American to perpetuate anything hereditary.  December 10, 2008.

BACK AGAIN

I apologize to my readers - all three of you - for not posting anything in the last few days.  I've been busy celebrating the 75th anniversary of the ratification of the 21st Amendment.  December 6, 2008.

HOW TO BUILD CARS

Anyone who thinks the mess in Detroit is not the UAW's fault should see this video about Ford's new plant in Brazil.  November 29, 2008.

COME ON OPEC, LET'S GO!

What's the matter with these guys?  Cut production, for heaven's sake!  We need to get the price of oil back up above $100, or we'll never get the "energy independence" effort rolling or the auto makers producing efficient cars.  November 27, 2008.

LET'S SHOOT A FEW BANKERS AND CEOs

We believe in the death penalty in this country.  We think it's the appropriate punishment for a number of things.  In fact, we use it more than any other country except China and, er, um, er, oh yes, China.  But the Chinese are so much more efficient about its application.  Found guilty today, a quick shot in the back of the head tomorrow, no messing about with endless appeals.  I like the old Greek way, too: "Here, swallow this nice mug of hemlock and take a nap."  So let's extend the death penalty to crimes against the people, such as destroying an entire industry or stealing the life savings of millions of Americans.  Where shall we start?  November 25, 2008.

A QUANTITY OF SAUSAGE

I haven't seen the new James Bond movie and probably won't.  It sounds as though it's a travesty of Uncle Ian's timeless saga of romance and adventure.  I mean, who wants to see a movie about meat-packing?  November 25, 2008.

IT'S NOT ALL THE UAW'S FAULT, BUT

Before anyone lifts a finger to help GM and Ford, let's all lean on the UAW.  See a comparison between GM and Toyota here.  Beware, however: for the most part, this is a comparison between GM and Toyota USA, but there are some figures that are Toyota worldwide.    November 24, 2008.

A BRIGHT LIGHT IN THE SKY

One of the unexpected delights of living in Delravia is that we can see the shuttles take off.  The view is best in the gloaming, but even in the dark, as on Friday, it's a stunning and mesmerizing and strangely moving sight.  I'm not sure whether the space program is really worth its cost - how do you do a cost-benefit analysis? - but I suspect that most Americans are willing to give it the benefit of the doubt.  November 16, 2008.

CONDITIONS FOR A GM DEAL

If we must bail out GM, and it looks as though we're going to, let's at least keep the deal rational.  First, don't give the incompetent idiots anything.  Either lend it to them, with the physical assets, not the stock, as security, or guarantee commercial loans, again with the physical assets as security.  Second, make any deal conditional on an across-the-board cut-back in wages and salaries - something of the order of 25%.  And third, make it conditional on bringing in competent management, such as Toyota, one of the best managed companies in the world and one that has already clearly demonstrated that there's nothing wrong with the U.S. automobile industry if you manage it properly.  November 13, 2008.

THE GIN-AND-TONIC HITS 150

Yesterday was the 150th anniversary of the creation of the gin-and-tonic, the unofficial official tipple of the British Empire.  Read the Daily Telegraph's story here.  I would have written this yesterday but I was out celebrating.  November 11, 2008.

HELP THE AUTO INDUSTRY?  HELL, NO!

Of course it's unfortunate that the U.S. auto industry is falling apart, but spend tax dollars to bail it out?  Hell, no.  The management of the three big companies is clearly incompetent, as well as overpaid, and the unions are just plain greedy - the average wage of a a UAW skilled worker at GM is $32.32, more than 50% higher than that of a skilled-trade shipyard worker.  Eff 'em.  Of course, the same goes for the bloody bankers.  As I've said here before, the best and quickest way of fixing the economy is to build things - bridges, port facilities, transit systems, etc.  When do we start?  November 8, 2008. 

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RANTS?

People have asked me what happened to the non-maritime rants that were part of this web site before I reorganized it.  Well, I deleted them.  Apparently that was a mistake.  Fortunately, they still exist, so, if you are interested, you can find them here and also via the link at the foot of this column.  November 8, 2008.

NO SEA CHANGE IN THE SENATE, IT SEEMS

As a gesture to the new era that started on Wednesday, the Dems are dumping 91-year-old Senator Byrd of West Virginia from the Chair of the Senate Appropriations Committee.  Yay!  So who is the energetic young up-and-comer who gets to take over?  Why 84-year-old Senator Inouye of Hawaii, an almost equally senile, pork-addicted, protectionist joke of a politician, that's who.  If the Dem leadership really wants to move with the spirit of the times, it would decree that no committee chair may be over 65 years old.  November 8, 2008.

FOR FREE

At the risk of exceeding my daily crabbiness quota, I want to complain about the phrase "for free".  If my bartender serves me a g-and-t without charging me for it, it's free.  It's not "for free".  The phrase "for free" is meaningless": "free" is not a price or a quantity, requiring a preposition, it's an adjective.  Only an illiterate nitwit would think otherwise.  Grump, grump, isn't it time for a cocktail yet?  November 7, 2008.  Oh and, by the way, the same goes for "for real".

BOTH ENDS OF PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

It always irritates me when I hear reporters talking about "both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue", in the context of the White House and the Capitol.  (I know, I get irritated too easily.)  One end of Pennsylvania Avenue is at the intersection of M Street, and 29th Street, in Georgetown: this is about a mile and a half west of the White House.  The other end is way out in suburban Maryland, east of Andrews AFB: this is about eight miles east of the Capitol.  More precision, please.  November 7, 2008.

THE DECLINE IN EDITING

Headline in today's NYT: "Bhutan: New King Coronated".  Oh dear, coronated.  Sorry, but it's not a word, even though it appears in the dreaded Merriam-Webster, which long ago demonstrated that it has no standards whatever.  It's a back-formation from "coronation", but that still doesn't make it a real word.  The new king was crowned, not coronated.  Even as I write this word, Microsoft is underlining it in red.  November 7, 2008.

ABOUT QUAKPOX:

Some patients have experienced strangely benevolent moods after taking QUAKPOX.   If you find yourself buying a round of drinks in a dry cleaners, consult your doctor.  If you experience bursts of exhilaration accompanied by an urgent desire to strangle a television pundit, consult your doctor.  Other side effects include an unexpected blurring of the feet, erections that last as long as 40 seconds, rapidly alternating bouts of constipation and diarrhea, and vomiting baby squirrel fetuses.  Before taking QUAKPOX, tell your doctor about any previous experience you may have had with hallucinatory drugs.  Also, tell your doctor if you are not pregnant and seek his help in rectifying this serious deficiency.  Remember that QUAKPOX may work differently for patients of different ages.  QUAKPOX should never be taken with sautéed calves' liver, whether or not accompanied by onions.  You may need a larger dose of QUAKPOX if you fall down a lot.  Finally, do not drive a Prius or drill any offshore oil wells while using QUAKPOX.  November 5, 2008.

LIVE IN PHILADELPHIA

It's always a relief to be told that a reporter is "live in Philadelphia".  I had been worrying that some of these folks might actually be some kind of remote-controlled mannequin.  Silly me.  November 4, 2008.

PALM BEACH COUNTY STRIKES AGAIN

So here in the land of hanging chads, we have a whole bunch of new problems.  As you will have seen on television, the early voting lines in Florida are very long, with waiting times of several hours.  Why?  Because the state legislature decreed, in its infinite wisdom, that there could only be one early voting location per city and that it could only be open for eight hours a day.  (The legislature is Republican-controlled, of course, but far be it from me to suggest that they set it up that way with the deliberate intent of making voting difficult.)  I went by the Delravia location on day 1 and the line outside the building was at least 400 yards long and not moving at all.  In addition, it was raining and most of the folks in line appeared to be considerably older than me.  After ten days of this nonsense, our Governor, Charlie Crist, a phenomenally sensible man, decreed that the polls needed to be open 12 hours a day.  Still only one location per city, however, and the waiting time here in Delravia as I write is still over two hours.  The alternative to early voting is the absentee ballot, but now we find that the new machines can't read the absentee ballots, of which there are apparently about 115,000 so far.  Why?  It's the crease caused by folding the ballot to put it in the envelope.  Sometimes it's the simplest problems that are the hardest to solve.  Wonderful.  What will it be next time?  November 1, 2008.

SLIMEBAGS, ALL OF THEM

OK, mudslinging has played a role in elections for millennia and, goodness knows, anyone who wants to be a politician needs to be able both to dish it out and to take it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  Does it?  It just seems to me that mudslinging is the refuge of a candidate who has nothing constructive to say.  Some of the mud being slung in the current election is regular, common-or-garden stuff, but some of it, such as Senator Dole's "There is no god" commercial, is mind-numbingly disgusting.  Grow up, all of you.  Fortunately, it's almost over.  November 1, 2008.

RED AND BLUE, NOT BLUE AND GRAY:

There's a certain "deja vu"-ness about this half-baked and divisive distinction between red and blue states.  It reminds me of why the Union won the Civil War: it wasn't the difference between the two armies, it was the far greater strength of the North's economy.  So, here we are again.  The blue states have most of our nation's industry, brain power and money, plus all the best schools, the cultural centers, the vineyards, even most of the fresh water.  The red states have what, exactly?  Let me think.  No, not a thing.  Oh, well, the red states have all the people who think that Jonah really was swallowed alive by a whale.  That's something, I suppose.  Have a nice day.  October 31, 2008.

GM AND CHRYSLER:

The idea of General Motors and Chrysler merging makes me cringe.  Are they brainless?  (Don't answer that: it was a rhetorical question.)  Such a move would be the classic example of two drowning men holding on to each other, each expecting the other to keep him afloat.  Loony.  October 25, 2008.

FINALLY, A STRONG, SENSIBLE WOMAN:

Good for Terry Mahoney.  The wronged wife of idiot Congressman Tim Mahoney, the serial adulterer who was nevertheless running on a platform of strong morals and ethics, filed for divorce today.  None of that stone-faced stand-by-your-man nonsense.  October 21, 2008.

HAPPY TRAFALGAR DAY:

Don't forget to toast the immortal memory of Nelson and his band of brothers today, the 203rd anniversary of the famous victory.  If he had lost, we would probably all now be speaking French.  October 21, 2008.

TWO FAMILIES NAMED McCAIN:

The Wall Street Journal had a fascinating article on Friday about the other McCains, the McCains of Teoc, Mississippi.  Read it here.  Funny how we never see them up there on the platform.  October 20, 2008.

EXCUSE ME A MOMENT:

I have to put the campaign on hold for a few days while I parachute into Houston and fix this mess that the maritime industry has got itself into.  I know, it's a drag, but it's called leadership.  Country first.  October 13, 2008.

NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING:

I love the hypocrisy of politicians but their spokespigs are downright hilarious.  Both sides descend into the mire, presumably because they don't have anything constructive to say.  Then the Tuckers of each side show up on the talk shows expressing outrage at the other side's latest allegations, while simultaneously both denying that their side is doing the same thing and reiterating their unwavering affection and respect for their opposing spokespigs.  You can see the brown flood of insincerity coming out of their ears.  They must go home at night and laugh themselves silly.  Memo to all of you.  Americans are not stupid.  We don't give a damn for personal attacks, what we want are constructive policies.  October 12, 2008.

SHUT UP, MATTHEWS:

Just to get both sides of every issue and to keep my blood pressure bubbling away up close to the red line, I watch both Fox News and MSNBC.  There are some real idiots on both channels, but the guy that irritates me most is Chris Matthews, and it's got nothing to do with his opinions.  First, he's a motor-mouth: his guests keep starting to answer his question but he drowns them out with his verbal diarrhea.  Somebody please tell him to cut it short.  Second, he is worse than Sarah Palin and George Bush when it comes to structuring coherent sentences: you listen to him and wonder what he just said.  And third, he never misses an opportunity to demonstrate the poor quality of his education.  His bio says he's a graduate of Holy Cross, but it doesn't say what his major was: beer, I would guess.  Apparently he did graduate work in economics at UNC, but on MSNBC he daily demonstrates a total lack of understanding of even the simplest economic principles.  He's a total waste of air space.  October 12, 2008.

BEAUTY AND WISDOM:

First it was weatherbimbos, then local newscasters, then sideline sportscasters.  Then it was Katie Couric: how could someone that cute really be a 21st century Cronkite?  Now it seems as though every cable TV news channel has an almost inexhaustible supply of very smart, 30-ish women reporters and program hosts, who are also happen to be well above average in their elegance and attractiveness.  I'm not complaining, exactly, but how do they do that?  October 12, 2008.

DAMN, I WISH I HAD SOME SPARE CASH:

Well the market may not have hit bottom yet but it can't be far off.  If it isn't time to start buying today, it soon will be.  And there's a bunch of crazily undervalued stocks out there - stocks in good, solid, cash-rich, growth companies - that are just asking to be bought.  October 10, 2008.

SO HERE'S A DUMB QUESTION:

Sometimes it seems as though every second TV ad is for an air freshener, Febreeze, or something.  I've never bought an air freshener in my life.  The big smells in my home are those of curry and cigars and I can get rid of either or both in about a minute - supposing I wanted to - by opening a window or two.  OK, some people live in a cold climate: that just means that you only need to open the window for half a minute.  Don't be such pussies.  What was the question?  Why do we need rubbish like air fresheners?  Help the economy, don't buy stuff you don't need.  October 9, 2008.

GOOD MILEAGE, JOCK:

In these troubled times, we all have to do what we can.  A recent study carried out at Glasgow University reveals that Scotsmen walk an average of 900 miles a year.  Almost simultaneously, the Scottish Medical Association reports that Scotsmen consume an average of 22 gallons of alcohol a year.  I make that just over 40 mpg.  Not so bad.  October 8, 2008.

A RANDOM THOUGHT:

I've always been fascinated by the thought processes of the people who work in the advertising industry.  I was just watching an ad for the Hyundai Sonata, an altogether excellent car, even though its rear end seems to have been designed to look like a Jaguar.  You and I know how the name Hyundai is pronounced: it's sort of "H'yoon-die".  But the company, or more probably its advertising agency, apparently doesn't think Americans can handle that, so here it's become "Hun-day".  How condescending!  October 6, 2008.

AREN'T YOU PROUD OF OUR POLITICAL LEADERS?

No?  Well nor am I.  Nor is anybody, as far as I can tell.  Good grief!  The rest of the world looks at us in stunned bemusement.  I know that, if you're a history major, anything involving numbers can be tricky, but hell, if you put yourself forward as one of the folks who want to run the country, doesn't it behoove you to acquire even a minimal grasp of economics?  Sometimes one thinks how great it would be if we could just throw them all out and start over, but that's not going to happen.  According to Wikipedia, the occupational backgrounds of the 535 members include 238 lawyers; 189 people from private industry; 96 educators; 24 from medicine; 15 law enforcement officers, 9 scientists; 6 ministers of religion; and 5 CPAs.  And, of course, Rep. Don Young of Alaska was a tugboat skipper.  No mention of any economists.  No mention of any engineers either, although Rep. McNerney of California has a Ph.D. in mathematics and describes himself as an engineer.  Does anyone know of any member of either House who is an actual degreed economist or engineer?  October 1, 2008.

It has just been pointed out to me that the WSJ commented on this point only this morning.  Read the article here.  Specifically, it says that only 6.7% of the members of the Congress have economics degrees.  I make that 36 of them.  It's not enough.  October 1, 2008.

Senator Sununu of New Hampshire is an ME, with both a BS and MS from MIT, plus an MBA from Harvard.  That's one engineer.  Any more?  October 2, 2008.

Rep. Stearns of Florida is an EE, with a BS from George Washington U.  That's two.  October 6, 2008.

HOBBES AND HOBSON:

It was interesting to hear Chris Matthews refer several times recently to a "Hobbesian choice" for members of the Congress.  Did he mean "Hobson's choice"?  Almost certainly, yes.  A Hobson's choice is one that's effectively no choice at all, because there is only one solution on offer, so that the choice becomes "take it or leave it".  Mr. Hobson ran a rent-a-horse company and insisted on renting out his horses in strict rotation: his customers could take the next horse in rotation or no horse at all.  The great philosopher Hobbes, after whom the famous tiger is named, propounded that our fundamental choice in life is essentially between living under an all-powerful autocracy and living in chaotic anarchy: not the same as a Hobson's choice, but still reasonably applicable to the current disgraceful situation.  September 30, 2008.

HOW TO GET THE ECONOMY ROLLING:

Listen to the American Society of Civil Engineers, a professional society that is always admirably willing to speak up on issues of public policy.  Read the ASCE's action plan here.  The key points are:

  • Establish a National Commission on Infrastructure and a National Infrastructure Bank.

  • Fund the Airport and Airway Trust Fund and the Airport Improvement Program.

  • Fund surface transportation programs authorized under SAFETEA-LU.

  • Fix the shortfall in the Highway Trust Fund and use it to invest in the nation's surface transportation program.

  • Start a program to repair and replace aging bridges.

  • Reauthorize the Brownfields Revitalization and Environmental Restoration Act.

  • Enact the Dam Rehabilitation and Repair Act to address the most critical non-federal public dams.

  • Enact a national levee safety program.

  • Enact the Water Quality Financing Act of 2007 to provide vitally needed federal aid.

  • Fund the Safe Drinking Water Act State.

  • Require a comprehensive approach to water resources projects constructed by the Corps of Engineers.

  • Ensure the integrity of the Inland Waterways Trust Fund.

All this costs money, of course, but, like FDR's programs after the Great Depression, it's an investment that is almost immediately converted into jobs and economic growth.  September 22, 2008.

TWO OBSERVATIONS ON LEHMAN BROS:

I'm intrigued by two things about the bankruptcy of Lehman Bros.  First, all the newspapers carried pictures of Lehman employees carrying boxes of their personal stuff out of the office: but Lehman filed under Chapter 11, not Chapter 7 and should be still functioning in almost every respect.  Sure, there are lay-offs coming, but already?  There's nothing on Lehman's web site or in the press about lay-offs.  So did all these people just bail out?  The second thing is that we are continually told that Lehman Bros. is 158 years old, as if this makes its collapse all the more significant.  But it's the name that's 158 years old: the company is only 14 years old.  The original Lehman Bros. disappeared in 1984, when it was bought by American Express, to save it from total collapse, and merged with Shearson Hamill and E. F. Hutton.  The present Lehman Bros. dates only from 1994, when that division of American Express was spun off.  September 21, 2008.

MEMO TO BOOK PUBLISHERS:

As someone who, over the years, has bought an enormous number of books, probably something approaching 10,000, I would just love to get all the major book publishers together in one room and throw over-ripe tomatoes at them.  Since that's not going to happen, I have to content myself with sounding off in this column.

Memo to book publishers: your customers are not stupid.  We know, for example, that:

  • You don't edit books any more.  Despite the existence of standard systems that check spelling, punctuation and grammar, there will almost certainly be an error on the first page.

  • You are apparently so  browbeaten by your big-name big-ego authors that you don't even check for factual, historical or geographic accuracy any more.

  • You routinely use poor-quality paper and bindings if you don't think a book will still be popular 20+ years from now.

  • In fact, you have totally abandoned all pretense at creating a quality product, haven't you?

  • The physical appearance of the author has nothing whatever to do with the quality of his or her writing: why do you insist on hitting us between the eyes with those gruesome photographs?

  • Gushing blurbs from other authors are worthless.  This is called log-rolling: author A is not going to criticize author B's latest book, because, if he does, author B will not write a gushing blurb for author A's next book.

  • Non-fiction books do not have to have two-part titles.  If the topic is not self-explanatory from the main title, we can read a review or an advertisement, or even, in a book store, open it up, just as we do with fiction titles.

  • You do not have to wait six months before publishing a book previously published elsewhere in the world: if you do, we will just buy the overseas edition over the internet.

Try treating your customers as if they had brains, for a change.  (I suppose that it's obvious that I just bought a book that failed all the above tests.)  September 21, 2008.

NO MORE GOLD:

In a spectacularly poor choice of words, Kenneth D. Lewis, the chief executive of Bank of America, is quoted in this morning's NY Times as saying “We’ve gone from a golden era of banking and financial services.”  Well, no &%*#, Kenny.  Setting aside all feelings of schadenfreude, if there's one thing that must come out of all this turmoil on Wall Street, it has to be the elimination of multi-million-dollar salaries and bonuses, and of obscenely over-generous employment contracts.  This so-called golden era started with the Reaganites and their ridiculous "trickle-down" theory of economics, and it's gone on way too long.  If we don't change things now, we won't have an economy much longer.  September 16, 2008.

RESPECT AND DEFERENCE:

Frankly I'm baffled by all this talk of the need for respect and deference in the presidential campaign.  When did a politician ever merit respect and deference?  Has it not always been an integral part of the political process to mock politicians, whether good, bad or indifferent?  Good heavens, doesn't anyone remember what they said about Simon de Montfort in the taverns of Cheapside?  I'm all for a healthy lack of respect: booing, barracking and heckling are just as much expressions of free speech as are cheering, chanting and the waving of banners.  It's not so long ago that the aerial application of over-ripe vegetables at a political meeting was completely normal behavior.  And as for deference, let's have none at all: politicians are the servants of the people and they should be deferring to us, not us to them.  I'll probably be deported now.  September 14, 2008.

WHAT DID PIGS DO TO DESERVE THIS?

I think it's hugely unfair to pigs to suggest that they represent bad political ideas, even if you put lipstick on them.  All the pigs I've met, and I've met quite a few, were intelligent, loyal and affectionate creatures, but not one ever had a single political thought, at least not one that they ever shared with me.  (George Orwell had more success communicating with pigs.)  If I were a pig, I would decline to discuss my political opinions with anyone who couldn't treat me with some level of respect and deference.  September 14, 2008.

CHANGE WE CAN PRONOUNCE, PART THREE:

Ignore all previous comments.  In her interview on ABC yesterday, Governor Palin clearly pronounced it "nucular".  So much for education and experience.  September 13, 2008. 

CHANGE WE CAN PRONOUNCE, PART TWO:

Now we know why Governor Palin knows how to pronounce "nuclear".  An eagle-eyed reader has sent me a copy of that terrific speech she gave in St. Paul last week.  Read it here and note that the magic word appears twice, and in both instances it is spelt "new-clear".  It's the only word in the speech that's spelt sort-of phonetically.  I called the campaign about this and a spokesperson named Tucker Tucker the Third assured me that this spelling was not intended to be phonetic, it is how the word is, in fact, spelt.  September 11, 2008.

COME ON, FOLKS, SING ALONG:

Click here to read the lyrics of "Drill Here, Drill Now".  You can even download the single for only $0.99, a price you couldn't beat at Wal-Mart. September 10, 2008.

THE LONE PIPER:

There’s no predominant ethnicity around here, as far as I can tell, but we have at least one other quasi-Scotsman besides our ersatz Sean Connery.  This guy wears Highland dress and plays the pipes.  Once in a while, but not in accordance with any form of discernable schedule, he marches up Atlantic Avenue to the beach, to the big flagpole that stands in its own little plaza on the beach side of Ocean Boulevard.  There he plays “Amazing Grace”, once through, and then he marches back down Atlantic Avenue.  He’s not a bad piper, but he only seems to know the one tune, so he ought to be pretty good at it by now.  I wonder if he knows that “Amazing Grace” is a hymn, not a pipe tune, and an English hymn at that.  It would be great if he would occasionally play something that was actually written for the Great Highland Bagpipe, a pibroch for preference, or if he would march on and off to the stirring strains of “The Black Bear” or “Hieland Laddie”.  I live in hope.  September 7, 2008.

CHANGE WE CAN PRONOUNCE:

One good thing about this election is that all four of them can pronounce "nuclear".  September 7, 2008.

PALIN EDGED OUT SUGARBAKER:

Sources say that the choice of a strong woman to stand behind John McCain was a toss-up between Sarah Palin and Jolene Sugarbaker right down to the last minute.  See what we might have had here.  September 4, 2008.

NOT KATRINA, BUT:

It seems that Mississippi's Gulf Coast dodged a bullet with Gustav but there must have been some uneasy moments just the same. 

In a perverted sort of way, it's almost a good thing that there's been so little residential rebuilding in the past three years.  September 3, 2008.

PALIN AND TUCKER:

What is so hard about the pronunciation of Governor Palin's name?  Almost as much time seems to have been spent wrestling with this as with her qualifications.  Of course it has a long a: if it had a short a, it would also have two Ls.  Duh!  Besides, there's a much better known Palin out there - actor/director and ex-Python Michael - with whose name nobody has ever had any trouble.

And while on the topic of Republican names, what's with all these Tuckers?  Are there any Republican spokesmen who are not called Tucker?  It's such a classically upper-class, blue-blooded first name.  Who was this Tucker chap that they are all named after?  Some billionaire oppressor of the working classes, no doubt.  September 3, 2008.

WHY RED AND BLUE AND NOT BLUE AND RED?

I've only been here 40 years, so not all the intricacies of American life have quite penetrated yet.  For example, I'm baffled by this thing about red states for Republicans and blue states for Democrats.  Everywhere else in the world, red is the color of labor, of socialism and of the blood of the working classes, while blue is the color of wealth, of privilege and of the blood of the ruling classes.  How did this get switched around here in America?  August 31, 2008.

BLOVIATORS, TAKE NOTE:

I thought that it was particularly revealing that the most popular network by far for the 43 million who watched the Barama-fest on Thursday was CNN.  Viewers deserted Faux News and MSNBC in millions to be able to watch the proceedings without the endless gabbing of motor-mouths like Hannerty and Matthews.  Producers, take note too.  August 31, 2008.

THE ADMIRAL-GENERAL:

So I’m sitting at the Pink Moon bar late one afternoon, reading my mail, and this seventyish chap hops on the stool beside me and asks if he can read my copy of “Tradewinds”.  “Sure”, I respond, confidently expecting him to take a quick look and set it down when he discovers that it's all about shipping.  But no, he goes through the whole thing, taking about twenty minutes over it.  So then we have a longish conversation and it appears that he knows a lot about the maritime industry and we have mutual friends.  When we part, we exchange names and phone numbers, written on the backs of beer mats (the local form of business card).  He’s oot the door before I notice that he has put VADM in front of his name.  Well, that’s intriguing.  So, the next morning I call on Mr. Google for a little help and am able to establish to my satisfaction that there is no admiral of this name and never has been.  Not only that, but he only shows up in two places on the internet, both related to charitable events in New York City, and both with pictures that confirm that it's the same guy.  In one of these he has General in front of his name.  In the other he has Sir in front of his name, and the man I met was definitely an American.  Once again, I don’t really want to know the truth.  I’ve seen and talked to the Admiral-General several times since that first encounter and have not mentioned what I found out.  Why bother?  He’s entertaining company.  And his daughter’s a sweetheart.  August 31, 2008.

SAAKASHVILI AND MUKASEY:

It's curious to note that the crazed President of Georgia, on whose behalf so many of our idiot politicians are apparently eager to start a war with Russia, got his law degrees from Columbia and George Washington, and worked at Paterson Belknap before heading back to Georgia.  Who else worked at Paterson Belknap?  Why, our Attorney-General, that's who.  Pure coincidence, of course.  August 30, 2008.

K+3 AND LITTLE PROGRESS:

Today is the third anniversary of Hurricane Katrina striking the Gulf Coast.  Let's see, now.  The Mississippi coast is still a waste land.  New Orleans' levees are not ready for Gustav.  The cadaverous Jerkoff is still in charge of the Department of Homeland Insecurity, with its $50 billion budget.  What's that line about time for a change?  August 29, 2008.

THE OBAMA NOMINATION:

I know it's not fair to pick on people who make verbal gaffes under pressure, but I greatly enjoyed one of Chris Matthews' lines this evening.  According to Matthews, Senator Barack Obama is not only the first African-American to be nominated by a major party to be its candidate for the presidency of the United States: he's also the first African-American to be nominated by a major party to be its candidate for the presidency of any major country.  Now that's a really neat trick.  Complicating factors such as the definition of a "major country" and the fact that most of the OECD countries are parliamentary democracies and don't elect presidents, are irrelevant.  In what countries would a U.S. citizen, African-American or otherwise, be a qualified candidate?  Oh, well, picky, picky, I guess we know what he meant.  August 27, 2008.

BOEING SUCCESSFULLY INTIMIDATES DOD:

Boeing threatens not to submit a proposal for the USAF tankers and the Air Force promptly agrees to revise the RFP.  If the Defense Department, our bastion of liberty, can be so easily intimidated by one of its vendors and that vendor's congressional lackeys, goodness knows how they would handle Putin and co.  August 27, 2008.

ENGLISH, NOT FRENCH OR CHINESE:

The LPGA has decreed that players on its tour must be able to speak English.  Excellent.  This is further evidence, as if any was needed, that international commerce of all kinds proceeds more smoothly if there is a single common language.  The French may not like it, but tough cookies, they had their opportunity and they blew it.  There is really no reason to teach any language in U.S. schools as a second language, except special classes in English for immigrants.  We probably ought to learn Mandarin Chinese, just in case, but fortunately, the Chinese are all busy learning English, so, if you hang in there, you probably won't need it.  We should redeploy the resources we devote to teaching languages to improving the teaching of math and science, in which our educational system is disgracefully inadequate.  All this is not to say that you shouldn't speak any language you want at home or in local commerce: just recognize one of the realities of the globalized economy.  And Latin should be compulsory for all, of course.  August 27, 2008.

VROOM, VROOM:  

With construction noise concentrated in July and August, one might think that the rest of the year would be relatively quiet down here in Delravia Beach.  And it is, up to a point.  There’s always some traffic noise, of course, and when you live over a beachfront pub, there’s always going to be a certain amount of late-evening people noise.  But what really breaches the peace around here is the noise made by bikers.  Vroom, vroom, look at me, I’m an idiot.  I know, I know, they’re not all Hell’s Angels, most of them are veterans, lots of well-to-do, respectable folks ride Harleys, etc, etc.  It’s easy to understand what fun it must be - the sun on your face, the wind in your hair and a blonde on your pillion.  (Note the wind-in-your-hair thing.  Florida, in its infinite stupidity, repealed the law requiring the wearing of helmets: in the first year after it did this, motorcycle deaths in Florida, already 9% of the national total, increased by 45%.)  But why do bikers have to make so much noise in a residential area?  If they must roar about demonstrating what they like to think is their masculinity, why can’t they go and do it on I-95 or on the quiet rural roads inland?  Grrr.  August 25, 2008.

SIR SEAN COMES TO VISIT: 

So I’m sitting at the Pink Rose bar one evening and Sean Connery walks past, kilt, sly grin, the works.  Since I’m reputed to be a Scotsman, several of the locals instantly point him out to me, just in case I hadn’t noticed.  He lives just round the corner, they say, not on the beach but a couple of blocks back.  Sean Connery?  Living in an area of fairly modest homes in Delravia Beach?  A three-bedroom bungalow, perhaps?  Can this be true?  So next morning I do a little Googling and discover that there’s a chap living a couple of blocks away who’s a professional Sean Connery look-alike.  He rents himself out.  For a fee, he’ll come to your party, correctly kilted, talking all Edinburgh, and pretending to be Sean Connery.  What a way to earn a living!  But the real question is, why would you want a fake Sean Connery at your party?  August 18, 2008.

CONSTRUCTION TIME: 

July and August may be the height of summer where you are but they are the depth of the off-season down here in South Florida.  The snowbirds are all back up north and about half the restaurants are closed.  This strikes me as very strange, since it’s no hotter or more humid here than it is in New York, for example, and often less.  Of course it can be pretty miserable in the interior of Florida, or in those awful walled and gated ghettoes that start as soon as you get west of I-95, but here on the beach, it’s great.  Because it’s so quiet, it’s the preferred time for disruptive construction projects, all of which are scheduled to achieve as much progress as possible in the time available, an approach that inevitably results in cacophonous noise from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., six days a week.  It’s all in a good cause, of course, but dang it’s noisy.  The highlight of this year’s activity is the total restructuring of State Road A1A, which is the main drag along the beach.  Another traffic lane?  No, actually we lose several turning lanes.  More beach parking?  No, quite a bit less.  All this is to provide a bike lane.  The state has decreed it.  What we need a bike lane for is a mystery.  We have hordes of bicyclists, not one of whom has any plans to use the bike lane.  The serious ones, in their Tour-de-France uniforms, ride eight abreast down the middle of the highway and defy anyone to get in their way.  The non-serious ones use the sidewalk, to avoid the traffic: nobody expects them to start using the new bike lane and no law enforcement officer is going to make them use it.  Oh well, it’s only the taxpayers’ money: let’s spend it all on stupid projects.  August 11, 2008.

THE PURSER PATROLS: 

Every morning, around 7.30, the Purser shows up near the main entrance to the Delravia public beach, which is, by the way, almost the whole of the beach in Delravia, over four miles long.  Scarily thin (by my standards) he is always dressed in whites - white shirt, white shorts, white knee socks, white shoes - so that he looks as though he might be the purser on a fifth-rate cruise ship.  He's out there pretty well all day long, patrolling.  He never seems to eat or drink anything.  He never seems to talk to or even exchange greetings with anyone.  Occasionally, depending on the weather and sea conditions, he disappears, returning shortly afterwards in a wet suit, with scuba gear in a supermarket shopping cart, and goes for a dive.  Towards the end of the day, he settles on a public bench, which he always carefully wipes down first.  Then, around 7 in the evening, he marches off. It's hard to know what to think about this gentleman.  His story may or may not be a sad one: I'm not sure that I want to know.  August 4, 2008