RED AND BLUE, NOT BLUE AND GRAY:

There's a certain "deja vu"-ness about this half-baked and divisive distinction between red and blue states.  It reminds me of why the Union won the Civil War: it wasn't the difference between the two armies, it was the far greater strength of the North's economy.  So, here we are again.  The blue states have most of our nation's industry, brain power and money, plus all the best schools, the cultural centers, the vineyards, even most of the fresh water.  The red states have what, exactly?  Let me think.  No, not a thing.  Oh, well, the red states have all the people who think that Jonah really was swallowed alive by a whale.  That's something, I suppose.  Have a nice day.  October 31, 2008.

GM AND CHRYSLER:

The idea of General Motors and Chrysler merging makes me cringe.  Are they brainless?  (Don't answer that: it was a rhetorical question.)  Such a move would be the classic example of two drowning men holding on to each other, each expecting the other to keep him afloat.  Loony.  October 25, 2008.

FINALLY, A STRONG, SENSIBLE WOMAN:

Good for Terry Mahoney.  The wronged wife of idiot Congressman Tim Mahoney, the serial adulterer who was nevertheless running on a platform of strong morals and ethics, filed for divorce today.  None of that stone-faced stand-by-your-man nonsense.  October 21, 2008.

HAPPY TRAFALGAR DAY:

Don't forget to toast the immortal memory of Nelson and his band of brothers today, the 203rd anniversary of the famous victory.  If he had lost, we would probably all now be speaking French.  October 21, 2008.

TWO FAMILIES NAMED McCAIN:

The Wall Street Journal had a fascinating article on Friday about the other McCains, the McCains of Teoc, Mississippi.  Read it here.  Funny how we never see them up there on the platform.  October 20, 2008.

EXCUSE ME A MOMENT:

I have to put the campaign on hold for a few days while I parachute into Houston and fix this mess that the maritime industry has got itself into.  I know, it's a drag, but it's called leadership.  Country first.  October 13, 2008.

NEGATIVE CAMPAIGNING:

I love the hypocrisy of politicians but their spokespigs are downright hilarious.  Both sides descend into the mire, presumably because they don't have anything constructive to say.  Then the Tuckers of each side show up on the talk shows expressing outrage at the other side's latest allegations, while simultaneously both denying that their side is doing the same thing and reiterating their unwavering affection and respect for their opposing spokespigs.  You can see the brown flood of insincerity coming out of their ears.  They must go home at night and laugh themselves silly.  Memo to all of you.  Americans are not stupid.  We don't give a damn for personal attacks, what we want are constructive policies.  October 12, 2008.

SHUT UP, MATTHEWS:

Just to get both sides of every issue and to keep my blood pressure bubbling away up close to the red line, I watch both Fox News and MSNBC.  There are some real idiots on both channels, but the guy that irritates me most is Chris Matthews, and it's got nothing to do with his opinions.  First, he's a motor-mouth: his guests keep starting to answer his question but he drowns them out with his verbal diarrhea.  Somebody please tell him to cut it short.  Second, he is worse than Sarah Palin and George Bush when it comes to structuring coherent sentences: you listen to him and wonder what he just said.  And third, he never misses an opportunity to demonstrate the poor quality of his education.  His bio says he's a graduate of Holy Cross, but it doesn't say what his major was: beer, I would guess.  Apparently he did graduate work in economics at UNC, but on MSNBC he daily demonstrates a total lack of understanding of even the simplest economic principles.  He's a total waste of air space.  October 12, 2008.

BEAUTY AND WISDOM:

First it was weatherbimbos, then local newscasters, then sideline sportscasters.  Then it was Katie Couric: how could someone that cute really be a 21st century Cronkite?  Now it seems as though every cable TV news channel has an almost inexhaustible supply of very smart, 30-ish women reporters and program hosts, who are also happen to be well above average in their elegance and attractiveness.  I'm not complaining, exactly, but how do they do that?  October 12, 2008.

DAMN, I WISH I HAD SOME SPARE CASH:

Well the market may not have hit bottom yet but it can't be far off.  If it isn't time to start buying today, it soon will be.  And there's a bunch of crazily undervalued stocks out there - stocks in good, solid, cash-rich, growth companies - that are just asking to be bought.  October 10, 2008.

SO HERE'S A DUMB QUESTION:

Sometimes it seems as though every second TV ad is for an air freshener, Febreeze, or something.  I've never bought an air freshener in my life.  The big smells in my home are those of curry and cigars and I can get rid of either or both in about a minute - supposing I wanted to - by opening a window or two.  OK, some people live in a cold climate: that just means that you only need to open the window for half a minute.  Don't be such pussies.  What was the question?  Why do we need rubbish like air fresheners?  Help the economy, don't buy stuff you don't need.  October 9, 2008.

GOOD MILEAGE, JOCK:

In these troubled times, we all have to do what we can.  A recent study carried out at Glasgow University reveals that Scotsmen walk an average of 900 miles a year.  Almost simultaneously, the Scottish Medical Association reports that Scotsmen consume an average of 22 gallons of alcohol a year.  I make that just over 40 mpg.  Not so bad.  October 8, 2008.

A RANDOM THOUGHT:

I've always been fascinated by the thought processes of the people who work in the advertising industry.  I was just watching an ad for the Hyundai Sonata, an altogether excellent car, even though its rear end seems to have been designed to look like a Jaguar.  You and I know how the name Hyundai is pronounced: it's sort of "H'yoon-die".  But the company, or more probably its advertising agency, apparently doesn't think Americans can handle that, so here it's become "Hun-day".  How condescending!  October 6, 2008.

AREN'T YOU PROUD OF OUR POLITICAL LEADERS?